just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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