did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
