Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
