My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize