he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
