There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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