Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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