I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
