I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
