who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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