oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
