I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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