Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i love accidental penises.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
