I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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