I just pynch a tree in the face
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
