I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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