wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize