I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
