i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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