i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
