so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
