so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
it's not cheating when I paid for it
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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