The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
