Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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