i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
