it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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