I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
