Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
