my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
