Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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