I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize