I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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