So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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