the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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