Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
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