SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
