Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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