Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
