yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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