I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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