turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
high people should be assigned attendants
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
