Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize