I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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