Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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