Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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