$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
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