a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he thought i was a dude.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
