Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
