Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
