you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
