I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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