were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
