when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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