Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize