Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
