I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
