I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
