Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
