There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
