Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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