I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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