Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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