alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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