Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
