so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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